It was easier when I could just shut off my emotions. I used to be able to do it. I’ve seen terrible things and for the most part, separation was just something I could do by choosing to…I’d just redirect my brain, separate my emotions from the scene and go to work… Not anymore apparently.
This last week has rocked me…I’ve put on a polished face and during the day i’ve been able to occupy myself enough so that I didn’t think about it…I continue to ground myself in faith, I’ve done what I can to be lighthearted and semi-joking but the truth is, my heart is grieved for my friend… and in hindsight, i can see how subconsciously it has influenced my behavior…I’ve been more cognizant of my mortality. I’ve been more intentionally present with my family, particularly my son…In the back of my mind i’ve just felt constantly aware of the clock…
Words seem so inadequate…I’m rarely placed in a situation where I don’t know what to do (or say) but, i’m there… I’m at a loss…Tonight as I sit here and everyone else is asleep, as a friend, as a pastor, just contemplating the totality of the circumstances, realizing that dealing with tragedy just doesn’t get any easier after 20 years in ministry (even with my background and all that i’ve seen)… and I guess i’m glad for that. I’m glad that i’m not removed from the emotion or connections of those who are hurting but I have to concede it would be easier if somehow i were able to discover a switch like I had as an investigator. As a pastor though, I think caring is one of my greatest strengths… and weaknesses… I guess if i’m going to have a weakness, empathy is a good one to struggle with…
Please be praying for my friend…He’s hurting…and I hurt for him…
