Ok, I wrote this a while ago and hid it…Then, last night I spoke with a friend who has experienced some extremely difficult roads and decided to be honest and release her feelings…As I encouraged her to release those things and remain transparent for others to learn from, I found myself realizing that I have not followed my own advice…Well, not completely…
I recently posted a chapter (Making your treasure what God treasures) from the book that I am writing and I really didn’t think that it would even be embraced by others. To my surprise, it’s received more positive response than I ever expected…This chapter is another that I felt did not really merit “putting out there”… but, based upon recent events, I think God may be teaching me something as well, by releasing this…SOOO, I’m going to put it out there…I have no expectations…it’s just more of an “obedience” thing for me I guess…so, here ya go…
I’ve been told to never “vent” anywhere or to anyone who is not capable of fixing the issue, and I hope that what I am writing here is not perceived as that…I am writing this, not as a complaint, or in any attempt to invoke sympathy (even the thought of that perception makes it difficult for me to share this chapter). I’m being transparent, primarily for one reason, so that others who experience parallel paths are able to recognize or even possibly find strength in how I have processed and worked through some of my own feelings, emotions and circumstances…and also to show you that “walking this thing out” will have it’s days where you struggle with human emotion no matter WHO YOU ARE! I’ve been in ministry for 20+years and I still have times when I have to sit back and recalibrate…
This is a chapter that I think I would rather just leave out of the book…It leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed to even put into words what I am thinking but I keep hearing the voice of my friend who told me “Document the journey”…and this is a real part of it…
In all honesty, I wasn’t sure the tear ducts were working any more… It’s been a while since I used them. I’ve felt emotional at times, as if I could shed tears but quickly choked them back and recomposed myself.
Recently, I’ve actually been a little concerned about “where I’m at” emotionally because I have noticed myself feeling calloused and numb…again… This is not a feeling that I am unfamiliar with…I’ve dealt with it several times in my life… At one point going years without shedding tears…I talked to my wife about what I have been feeling a few days ago and told her that it actually concerns me when I start to “not feel”…
Tonight, I sat on my back porch contemplating the days events as I often do after my wife and son have gone to bed and I started thinking about all that transpired…and I got choked up…
This afternoon I took my son Rocky to see my friends at the Sheriff’s department where I used to work. When I walked up to the entrance, a close friend who I spent hundreds of hours with over the years met me at the door. We were on the SWAT team together… Most of the time he was the guy who went in right behind me on an entry and he quite literally was the one who “covered my backside”… We’ve spent a lot of hours laughing and confiding and learning to trust each other…and if necessity had ever demanded it, I would have taken a bullet for him… He was the one who sat in my office when I was cleaning it out after the doctors mandated my medical retirement and said, “Aaron, I don’t know what I’m going to do without you here…who am I going to bounce stuff off of now?”
Relationships like these are unlike any other kind of relationship…It’s almost unexplainable to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but, there is a level of camaraderie that is developed between people who have experienced a “life and death” trust in each other. Soldiers experience it, Firemen experience it, and Cops experience it…(to name a few). It’s the kind of thing where you could go years without seeing them and when you see them again it’s as if no time was lost. Today, that was the case.
When I walked up to the door, he reached out with both arms and gave me a huge hug…At the time I hugged him back and went on with conversation…but in the reflection tonight I see there is more happening than I was perceiving at the time… I’m remembering the eyes of the people I encountered today…The tone and fluctuation in their voices as they spoke…
I took my son into my old office where another investigators name is now on the door…as I was leaving the investigator said, “Aaron, it just ain’t the same here anymore…” I spoke with my former Lieutenant, the man who took me under his wing and taught me everything I knew about investigations and actually treated me like a son. I watched his eyes as my little boy sang him a song and he was just appreciating him… These guys were like my second family… and although I don’t really miss the job so much any more…I miss the people. (Don’t get me wrong, there are times that I do miss the work, I enjoyed what I did…Particularly the SWAT part…) But on days like today where I am back in the middle of it all I find myself really missing those guys and appreciating how each one has been there for me in so many ways over the years…
Before I left, I looked on my Lieutenants bookshelf and there sat the weapon that the guys who attacked me used when they tried to kill me… Three and a half years later… It hadn’t been cleaned…It looked like it still had my blood on it…When I saw it the Lt. said to me, “I keep it up there as a memorial to you and also to remind us that everything can be going great and someone might still try to kill you”. A grim reminder that none of us are promised tomorrow…
I’ve just been contemplating life today… Everyone looked a little bit older to me…The Lt. is getting ready to retire this year. One of the guys got shot and has recovered but he looks out of his eyes differently now… and It’s the eyes that have me thinking tonight about how experiences influence us all… in hindsight, 8 years of my life FLEW by! All those cases…all the laughter…all the tears…the good times…the cook outs…the terrifying times…thousands of memories…POOF!!!! Like a blink of an eye… We haven’t become “different” people, we’re all the same individuals as we were years ago, but now we are older… all of us aged…
As I reminisced, I started to tear up… I’m thankful for those experiences…I’m thankful that I had the chance to share life with those guys… I’m thankful I’m still here to be able to go back and hug their necks and introduce them to the little boy that changed my life who wouldn’t be here if I had died that day… Sometimes there are feelings of regret, sometimes thoughts of “what if”, sometimes just the remembrance of a time that I was living a dream that I had worked hard to achieve.
There have been a lot of things that I have had to work through since I got hurt. There’s been a lot of discouragements, set backs and frustrations. But I was blessed with something that a lot of cops who have been in my shoes don’t get to experience… Another day…
I remember telling my wife, Lisa after I got hurt that I never wanted to waste another day and that I wanted every day to count! Some days, my desire for the day to count has been part of the frustration when it felt like I was not seeing the progress that I wanted to see take place… But I have learned SO MUCH! And I think I’ve UNLEARNED even more…
I’ve learned about myself, I’ve learned about people and I believe that I am and will be a more effective and compassionate leader because of the experiences that I have gone through. Even now, the chapters in this book would have never been written had I not experienced the catalyst of that life-altering event… Only God knows the impact that it may have… But I can say that I am so thankful for His faithfulness through it all!
Regardless of the questions surrounding the events that I have experienced, I think an important lesson lies just under the surface of what I am writing… We do not know what tomorrow holds, and the impact that we make today will follow our lives (and deaths) like a legacy. Barring the “end of the world”, the lives that we impact and influence will continue to go on long after we are gone…All things being as they should, the values and example I instill in my son will long outlive this earth suit that I occupy today…
It’s important to realize that each of us has a daily sphere of influence and the ability to impact others lives. We can make a difference today that may be the catalyst for someone’s success years from now. Just a small seed planted today could make astronomical impact when the fruit of that seed develops…Take advantage of the opportunities afforded today… If they’re not there tomorrow, you’ll be glad that you actually “LIVED” today…as opposed to “just existing”…
Redeeming the time…
Sometimes I wish things were different…and sometimes I’m glad they’re not…
If you can dig it, Say “Word”!
Aaron,
Ur word’s speak 2 me more than any other’s have. Some1 that is ver special 2 me has revieled ur word’s 2 me without probably even noticing it. I’ve read several of ur post’s through her wall. U r a FB friend of mine and I don’t know how that even really happened. I guess it was just meant 2 be. I will def keep an eye out 4 ur posting’s. Ur awesome bro! Keep it up. 🙂 TY 4 ur word’s 🙂 I def have 2 say WORD on this 🙂 LOVE ya bro,without even knowing ya 🙂